back from near death
positives and negatives
I tend to try to keep my blog positive – people generally don’t want to read about other people’s complaints or personal problems, my own included. But sometimes something happens in your life that is not positive, yet impacts you in such a profound way that it needs to be shared. This month I experienced such an event. And though it was certainly a negative event, that doesn’t mean that it didn’t have some unexpected positive outcomes.
during the second week of April, a day or two after I got back from my trip to Malaysia I got a bit of “traveler’s sickness”. I figured this was just one of those things… it’s not unusual to get these sorts of bugs no matter how careful you are with drinking the water during trips overseas, and it’s happened to me before. Regardless, I took a trip to the doctor and got some antibiotics to take care of it.
problem is, they didn’t take care of it… it got worse.
the building where I stayed at l’hôpital Avicenne
I went back to the doctor a few days later after I’d used up the antibiotics. This time I had fevers, and there was blood involved. I got a stronger antibiotic and he also sent me to the Emergency Ward at a local hospital – l’hôpital Avicenne – where they have a center that specializes in infectious and tropical diseases. Duly I went, where during the evening they did a series of blood tests (including Malaria, which came back negative). Otherwise they didn’t do much, other than send me home very early (2AM) in the morning with some ordinances to take some more tests at a laboratory near my house to investigate for bacteria, viruses, parasites and the like. It would take the lab three days to get the results back. And during those three days I continued to get much worse.
by the time the lab got my test results back I was very sick; feverish all day with highs of over 103 degrees during the evenings, lots of pain, and other stuff I won’t bother to describe here (though I already mentioned the blood). When I went to the doctor this time he called up the hospital and reserved a room at the center for infectious and tropical diseases (rather than just sending me to the Emergency Ward which hadn’t worked out). The center managed to find me a room, so I took a bag full of stuff with me to the hospital and checked in.
my room at the hospital (actually one of three I stayed in; they moved me around a bit)
after a few lab tests the hospital determined that I was very sick. Their best guess is that I had contracted typhoid fever while I was in Malaysia. But the worst part was that I had hepatitis. Mind you, this was not the sort of hepatitis that you contract (I was vaccinated against those – I was also pretty sure I was vaccinated against typhoid by the way). While people commonly associate hepatitis with contracted forms of the diseases, hepatitis in its most basic sense means the inflammation of the liver. On April 22nd the doctors discovered that my liver had inflamed very rapidly over the course of three or four days, to a point where it would likely fail were it to grow any further, which would probably kill me. They stopped all anti-inflammatory drugs (or in fact any treatment that would have to be processed by the liver), started icing down my fevers, and waited to see what would happen.
Though this was the critical moment I should mention that it was not the sort of critical moment that you might see on TV, with lots of beeping machines, doctors hanging around with defibrillator paddles at the ready, and the like… it was all quite peaceful.
On facing death
after the fact, the hospital sent several psychologists and religious figures to my room to talk to me. The senior psychologist spoke with me at length about what I’d gone through, and how I’d felt during the days of April 22nd and afterward. No matter what I told her to the contrary, she would tell me, “it sounds like you were scared of dying.” I think it’s the standard question that psychologists ask when patients are facing death.
the thing is, I wasn’t scared of dying. Perhaps today if you told me I was going to die I’d be scared; I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t feel scared because I was so sick and feverish. Maybe my mind was calm because of the drugs. But at that point, I was okay with dying.
I haven’t lived a perfect life. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and have sometimes done the wrong thing. But I’ve spent a lot of my life fighting for what I have wanted. I’ve spent a lot of my life telling my kids how much I love them. I’ve dedicated myself to learning about other people and their languages and cultures, and to accepting who people are for what they are, no matter their races, backgrounds, religious beliefs, genders or sexual orientations. And I’ve endeavored to share my love and understanding for language and culture with my family, my friends, and in fact with the world at large. I’ve stood up for what I believe in.
I was of course disappointed that I might not be able to watch my kids grow up or spend my golden years with Yvonne; that I might die in my 30s with so much of my life left unlived. I felt terrible that they might lose me as a father and a husband, as I felt I still had so much left to give to and share with them. I was sad that I might not get to hang out at our lake house in Ontario with my family, my parents, my sister’s family and my wife’s family. I knew I’d miss the tremendous friends I’ve made from the many different walks of life I’ve lived, and the great times we’ve spent together. I was sad that I’d never finished my book – not because I was disappointed that I never became a well-recognized published author, but simply because I would have liked to have left something behind for my kids to read when they got a bit older; something that was a part of me.
on the other hand, I’ve always wanted to buy a BMW 3 series coupe (and maybe one day I will) – but I wasn’t disappointed that I’d never owned one. I wasn’t disappointed that I’d never made myself millions of dollars with which to buy a huge mansion in the suburbs with expensive furniture and a fancy media room. None of these sorts of things mattered to me while I was lying in the hospital bed. Out of everything in life, I realized, stuff is the least important.
in the middle of the night of the 22nd or 23rd, while I was feverish and up the whole night tossing and turning with waking nightmares from the delirium and stiff-necked from lying on bulky bags of ice, I got out my iPhone and wrote my parents a letter. In it I thanked them for the things they’d done for me while I was growing up – for raising me in a safe and happy environment, for never giving up on me, for the vacations we took, for sending me to some great schools, and for making sure I learned how to swim. For supporting me when I made huge mistakes, and for giving me second chances. For things that, in my head, I was thankful every day – things they did for me that served as turning points in my life and pushed me forward, where without their help I might have fallen behind – but for which I might never have actually taken the time to thank them for. I realized while I was writing it that I shouldn’t have waited until I was facing death to write them this letter. This is something that I should have done a long time ago.
considering the circumstances behind it, my mom told me it was perhaps the most wonderful, most terrible letter she’d ever read.
I called my parents from the hospital every night after that, just before going to sleep. Sometimes I was too weak to talk, so I’d just listen.
the turning point
my liver did not continue to grow. In fact, it gradually started to shrink, and to heal itself. So the threat of death was over. It changed me in a lot of ways, many of which I’m experiencing now. I have a second chance at life, and now I better understand what is most important to me. I know how I want to feel about myself when I face death again.
the doctors believe that the hepatitis was caused as a result of the typhoid (this does happen in some cases of the disease) and was exacerbated by some of the drugs I was taking before arriving at the hospital the second time – Azithromycin and Ibuprofen to be exact, both of which can cause hepatitis. The combination of these factors caused serious liver inflammation in a short period of time. The doctors never said, but Yvonne and I guess that if I hadn’t been admitted into the hospital when I was, and had continued to take the Azithromycin and several Ibuprofen a day (while still remaining under the maximum recommended dosage of the drug), things might have ended up differently for me.
breakfast of champions… café au lait, bread and jam, biscuits, and the morning’s dose of drugs
so my liver was getting better, but this did not mean that things were rosy for the rest of my body. The doctors started treating me with three different types of very strong antibiotics to blast away the typhoid. The problem they faced was that because I’d started taking antibiotics before they did blood tests, the true illness I had was masked. They were never able to figure out 100% if I had typhoid. There were many symptoms that I was lacking, and other symptoms that existed that were not generally a part of typhoid. If it was typhoid, it seemed like an odd variant. To this day they’re still not sure what it was.
the main problem now was that, due to an immune system issue in my body that I didn’t know that I had (and that was probably lying dormant until now), my innards, for lack of a better term, started failing. My entire colon was infected and hemorrhaging, and I was still feverish and sick, even after the very strong antibiotics.
I couldn’t eat, and I lost a lot of weight – 25 to 30 pounds. I was subjected to test after test to figure out what was going on with me – X-rays, scans, ultrasounds, MRIs, a colonoscopy, a fibroscopy and another scopy that I forget exactly what it was. Once again the doctors came up with what they thought I might have and started treating it, but as with the typhoid, even today they’re still not sure what is going on with me. It might affect me for the rest of my life, or it might disappear. Chances point heavily to the former, but even so the odds are good that I’ll be able to live a normal life with whatever it is.
for the next couple of weeks while I underwent all these tests they hooked me up to a long series of colorful IVs to provide me with food, calories, nutrients, vitamins, antibiotics, painkillers and the things I needed to recover. I had blood tests to check my liver and blood levels almost every day. I am guessing that, considering all the injections and blood pullings I’ve had over 50 needles in my arms (and some in my stomach) since the second week of April. I was very weak during this time… I could only walk for short distances, and couldn’t speak in long sentences without taking breaths in between words. But I began to recover.
the ever-present IVs leaking fluids into my veins
maybe not for the squeamish – my left arm after lots of injections…
… and my right arm
gradually the fever started to subside and they began to treat me with cortisone to fortify my insides. By the end of the third week I was feeling much better – not perfect, and still fatigued, but able to eat, to walk around a bit, and to joke around with the nurses. A few days before I’d been in the hospital for four full weeks they released me with a long series of drugs to take every day, and an ordinance to have a nurse visit me at my house every day for the next three weeks to give me daily injections. That was yesterday, and here I am at home today.
life in the hospital
considering I was in the hospital for nearly four weeks, I have a lot of stories to tell. I won’t tell them all of course – this post is long enough already! – but here are some highlights of the lessons I’ve learned, and some pictures from my “vacation”:
do not piss off the nurses, even if you’re pretty sure that you’re right and they’re wrong. They’re the ones who stick needles in you.
no matter how generally unenjoyable hospital life may be, there is something unbeatable about being woken up to breakfast in bed, every single day.
the view from my room. Guess it could have been more pastoral…
if you’re going to spend any time at a hospital, pack a Kindle (with 3G) and a portable DVD player. I read five or six books while in the hospital, and watched several seasons of various TV series boxed sets that I bought at Carrefour. That being said…
if you’re in the hospital and generally feeling like garbage, don’t watch House, a show where, in general terms, someone arrives at the hospital with a nosebleed, and before they can be cured House and his crew subject them to a series of treatments that bring them to the brink of death, with seizures and cardiac arrests, before the mysterious cure can finally be found.
the machine that goes “beep!” for many frequent and inane reasons
when three doctors, including the department head, come into your room at the same time, that’s probably a bad sign.
if you’re in the hospital and your spouse is in the house with no car, you can use a taxi as a parcel service.
the calorie-rich drink they had me drink every night to help put my weight back on. Ironic considering those times in the near past when I’ve endeavored to maintain or lose weight…
if you want to convince a loved one not to smoke, show them a very sick person wailing for a cigarette, thrashing around on their bed trying to pull out their IVs and diodes to escape the Emergency Ward to smoke one. One of the saddest things I’ve seen.
try not to get hospitalized in a country where they don’t speak your native language, even if you think you’re pretty fluent. At times it’s like you’re lying there while a bunch of Charlie Brown’s Teachers decide your fate.
me being excellent in the elevator with some tubes
when they inject something into your vein before a scan and say “this will make your whole body hot”, what they aren’t telling you is that it will also make you throw up and soil your pants. They let you find out that part for yourself.
when you lose 25-30 pounds in a short period of time they will feed you food through an IV. And here all these years I’ve been using my mouth like a dummy.
a couple of days after my liver had taken a turn for the better I decided to go for a walk. I was very weak and knew I wouldn’t be able to make it that far but I wanted to see the sun, so I dragged myself outside.
my walk took me around the building, where on a grassy area beside a side road an old French man was sitting in a plastic chair, watching the cars go by. In his defense, where the hospital is situated, there’s really not much else to see… mostly lots of concrete and exhaust pipes and old buildings.
when I walked up onto the grass I must have looked quite a sight: pale, exhausted and unshowered, jaundiced, skinnier than I’ve been since my early years of high school, with a scruffy two-week-old beard and both arms blue and yellow from all the injections I’d been subjected to, dragging my IV stand beside me while multiple IV bags swung above my head.
I went and stood beside the old man. He largely ignored me, but that didn’t stop me from speaking to him.
“One day, I’m going to die,” I told him. “But not today.”
I started crying. I think he thought I was nuts.
40 thoughts on “back from near death”
wow. quite the journey. glad to hear you’re getting better though.
Glad to know you’re still with us. I grew up in a lot of hospitals thanks to a congenital hemolytic anemia and its complications. I agree that hospital diets work wonders, but they are not worth the pain. Be glad you were in France though, I imagine the bill would have been more painful.
I am so sorry for your illness but happy to read that you found some positives from the ordeal. Your story is a positive reminder to everyone of what is really important in life. Thank you for sharing and best wishes during your recovery.
Our thoughts are with you…
Sydney and Danny
Incredible story, and well told brian, i find this fascinating ( as a healthcare provider) thank you for sharing , and may you have a speedy recovery and live long and happy !!!
What an incredible and terrible story … get healthy, stay strong, be happyYou have friends all over the world pulling and pryaing for you! Love you!
I am so sorry to hear about your ordeal, but so thankful that you have pulled through! I think that your story bring a certain amount of perspective to life as I sit here brooding over troubles at work. Thanks for you insight and optimism!
Brian, I am so sorry that you had to go through this, and Yvonne and the kids, too. Your story is takes us on this perilous road right along with you, in your typical style, with pathos, ethos, humor, and sageness. And I think your final quote is one for the ages. God would not have dragged you through all that mess without a reason, and you already have Him already all figured out! Well, maybe not all — I’m sure the true depth of this experience will be uncovered slowly. I hope you continue to write about the layers you uncover. Thank you for sharing, and shame on your for making me cry!
Your post was beautifully written… What a story to put in your book.
🙂 Much love…
WOW — what a story, I’m so sorry you had to go through it but love your attitude and so thankful to hear that you’re better. Thanks for sharing
Great photo of you being excellent in the elevator! I’m glad that the worst of your experience is over, and you are healing at home now.
“But not today”!!! So glad to hear you are getting better and made it!
My God, Brian!! I had wondered why I hadn’t seen you online much and was hoping that you were just having fun over in France. Fun isn’t what you were having at all! Thank-God they seem to have things under control. Saying prayers for you and your family. Hold them close! And take care of you! Don’t make me come over there…
Brian, so happy you healed up and all is well now. Your experience is an amazing comeback story I will never forget. Best wishes for a fast recovery and hope to see you sometime soon in Europe. John
Hi Brian, Sue and I live down the road from your folks and you visited us several years ago when we were jamming and I was playing the gut-bucket, AKA wash-tub-one string base.
I hope and pray that your life threatening ordeal is over or
in the process thereof.
Although my next comments are gatuitous I hope that you give some thought to it and not take offence. I, and many other professionals, are totally against most vaccinationsespecially what MD’s are pushing for kids: flu-vaccine, polio et al. When I went to maimland China in the ’90’s with my Chinese
clients who were oorn there, I went to a naturopath who provided me supplements. For example: for several weeks before, special pro-biotics to re-inforce my GI so that it would be unlikely that I would get poiusoned; anti-parasite pills and a host of others. My vlientscame home sick even with their gamma globulin vaccines, I didn’t. I had this issue and please don’t laugh. I was a strict vegetarian and then and in order not to embarrass my clients, I had to eat their 12 course celebretory meals and admittedly, were delicious. My GI must have gone into shock as I only had three B.M’s in the two weeks I was there. When I arrived home, Sue arranged a serious of colonic irrigations. She said my blue eyes were brown until I had the series.
Amazing story, Brian! I am so happy to hear that you are on the mend. What an ordeal! You are a very talented writer, and I can’t wait to read your book! Sending hugs to you and your family-hold them close & take good care of each other!
A brutal and amazing story of events Brian. I’m relieved you survived, and most definitely with your sense of humor and writing abilities intact. I hope the long term or permanent physical difficulties either aren’t there or are manageable to you. Best wishes as always.
I’m so glad you’re doing better and so mad at Vonny for not saying a word! Xoxo to you both. 🙂
Brian, I’m so glad you are on the mend. Liver failure is the worst ever. But mostly, I would like to say, welcome to the REAL “live like you were dying” club. It sure as hell ain’t about skydiving.
j’espère que tu vas mieux ! Quelle histoire ! Très contente que tu sois encore parmis nous !
Soignes toi bien !
thankful to my god for returning you back to us finely
thank you to all of you for all of the kind words of caring. It’s been wonderful to have the friends that I have supporting me through my recovery, and I appreciate it tremendously.
Good God Brian! I’m so glad you’re doing better, and what a post. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, and go ahead and finish that book, ok?
My current roommate was in the hospital for 91 days last year, from April 20 to July 21. He had what was thought pancreatitis, but this year it turned out that the reason his pancreas was angry with him was because of gallstones. He has no gallbladder now. Gallstones are the second cause of an angry pancreas.
I am glad you are doing so much better. 🙂
Great post with a happy ending! I’m sure you still have a lot of recovery ahead of you. Take it easy.
Sounds like you caught a bad case of the Chupp from the Snow Donkeys. Use a Chardak next time.
I had no idea you were going through all this. Very glad you’re doing better.
My God! Glad you are OK. What strength you have there! Please say Hi to Yvonne as well. I can’t imagine what you and your family have been through…
thank u SO much for sharing this…
Oh Brian, What a terrible time you and Yvonne and Lori and Tony and Linda have all gone through. I wish I’d known earlier not that I could of done anything but skype, email or facebook, but at least you would of all known we would of been praying for you and that we love, that boy who was our neighbour in Toronto for three years. What a wonderful person you have developed into, a wonderful, husband and father and son and brother. We are all so scattered around the world now, but hopefully we will meet again one day. Andrew and I Listened to your podcast today also with grat interest. We will now go and communicate with Mom and Dad and Lynda. Good luck and good health to you and yours living in Paris the city of love. Your ex Kiwi neighbours, Jeannette and Andrew,Toni and Peter Smith.
How awful! I am glad you are getting better and so sorry you had to have such close call.
Get better soon, and may you have a long, happy life ahead of you. One that I know you will live to the fullest.
Brian, Lauren and I are soo glad you are doing better man, we’ve been thinking about you all and hope your health stays well. Hopefully we’ll see you guys if you happen to get a trip to South Carolina / Charleston or if we come your way. Btw, hope Calum is doing well with Violin!!
Here’s to life’s adventures, eh? Glad to know you came out shiny-side up.
Some days you kick the can, some days the can kicks you, either way you both get on down the road. 🙂
At least they didn’t hook you up to the “machine that goes PING!”
Crikey, Brian. Thanks for sharing. Your positive attitude is inspiring. And yes, you do need to write that book. I’ll read it.
What a awful time you had! I hope that you recover completely from this.I myself was ill for 18 months before they discovered that it was yeast intolerance.I too thought I was going to die at one time, so I can empathise with you. :o)
Just came across your blog today. Glad I did–thanks for the inspiration.
I’m glad to hear you’re recovering. That’s quite a story. Thank you for subscribing to my blog about my book.
A good story. Scary but wonderful in a big way. The letter to your parents, for example. Did you spend hours racking your brain on what might have made you sick in the first place? Best wishes to you and your liver.
Hi Brian enjoyed speaking to you on WANA today. I really enjoyed this post to be honest I picked it because I am really interested in Near Death Experiences, had one myself at 18yrs (long time ago lol) and I am thinking about writing a book on it. it is only when life is nearly taken from us we acknowledge its value. At the time I too was unafraid of dying but after was grateful for my life and the life of my 1st cild Robert. if you want to chat further about this feel free.
thanks Athena! Very nice meeting you as well. I’d definitely be up for talking to you about your book, and your own near death experience – let’s find time next time we’re online together. All the best to you.
I did not know this…so now, I can let you know that we have something in common: we went through a serious disease! I was in hospital for 6months in 2011, and stop working during 16months. I’ve just get back to work. Life is so cooooooooool!!!! Enjoy!!!
Wow Thomas, I had no idea – thanks for letting me know about this. I’ll give you a call and we can talk about our experiences. I’m very glad that you recovered from your illness!